TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from position. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer you everyone a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In Trump Tower Damascus the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after getting the making's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It really is not only hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge the place my PTSD might have switch-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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